


Learning to surf the waves

by seektheinfinite



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Emotions, Introspection, M/M, Self-Harm, episode tag 20/01/17
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-18 21:14:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9403100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seektheinfinite/pseuds/seektheinfinite
Summary: Tag to the episode aired tonight, 20/01/2017A few days have passed and Robert notices that Aaron isn't doing so well. They finally talk and deal with some stuff.They sit, Robert gently stroking his thumb over the uninjured parts of Aaron’s hand. He needs this touch, this grounding, if he’s going to get out everything he wants to say. He can’t bottle out of it, not this time. The stakes are too high.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Mentions of Aaron's recent self harming behaviour, nothing major but it is mentioned at the very beginning to please don't read if this is an issue for you. 
> 
> This is not my usual style so I'm not sure how well it worked but as usual it just kind of happened so I went with it. I hope you enjoy.

Robert watched Aaron out of the corner of his eye as he flexed his bruised and battered hand, before placing his other hand over the top of it and giving it a squeeze. He’d noticed it before, when they’d been standing in the kitchen and Aaron had told him to leave, to get out while he could but he hadn’t said anything at the time. He knew that having just gotten back from the police station after having had a night of what Robert can only imagine was little to no sleep Aaron would not have been particularly receptive to any kind of talk about that subject.

Well that’s what he told himself anyway, that he was simply putting it off because he wanted Aaron to have a little time to get over the trauma of being in a police cell for the night. He knew however, that it was more about him than Aaron. He was hoping that if he could be good enough, give Aaron enough of whatever it was he wanted, or needed, then the self-harm would stop. That it had just been a one-off coping mechanism to deal with the stress of being locked up, alone.

But sitting here on the sofa, watching some movie or another, he wasn’t sure what it was, hadn’t really been paying attention, he saw it again. The same look of pain flashed across Aaron’s face as he pressed his nails deeper into the wounds on his hand.

Before he could think about it too much Robert leant over and stilled Aaron’s left hand, before gently pulling it away from his damaged right. It took Aaron a few seconds to react, as though he wasn’t quite there with him, rather off somewhere in his own little world where things were not all okay.

Aaron seemed to come back to himself eventually, turning his attention from the TV that he obviously hadn’t been watching either to Robert. He blushed slightly, obviously seeing the look of anger, pain, confusion on his face, before averting his eyes back to his lap.

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled, barely audible.

Robert sighed, before placing Aaron’s hand gently, loving, back on his lap. “Don’t be sorry Aaron. You’re obviously not okay, despite what you’ve been saying these last couple of days. I was wrong the other day.

Aaron looked at him then, a frown of confusion creasing his brow. “You’re going to have to be a bit more specific than that. I mean you’re wrong a lot you know.”

Robert couldn’t help the smirk that played across his lips, just for a second there was a flash of the old, happy Aaron. But it was gone all too soon.

“Haha, very funny.” Robert gave him a playful smack on the arm before continuing. “No, I meant the other day, when you came home from the police station and I said that we just had to pretend like this whole thing never happened.”

“Why? Why wouldn’t we want to just forget it ever happened? I’ve got enough bad memories to last me a lifetime, one less isn’t going to hurt.” Aaron jumped up from the sofa, putting distance between him and Robert.

Robert knew this move, he was hitting a nerve and Aaron was getting ready to run. It was his fight or flight instinct kicking in, and when it came down to it, most of the time Aaron opted for flight.

Robert stayed where he was on the sofa, watching intently as Aaron began to pace in front of him. He knew that the best thing to do was give him space, for now and take it slowly.

“Yeah, you know, as much as I would love to get rid of the last couple of days and just go back to where we were before this I can’t, and deep down you know we can’t either. We need to talk about this, before we get married. Otherwise we’re just going to keep having the same old arguments over and over again. It’s not healthy for either of us.

Besides, we’re going to be moving out soon, into the Mill and taking Liv with us. I don’t think living with a pair of messed up idiots is going to be particularly healthy for her either you know.”

Aaron stops pacing then for a second, pulling at his sleeve instead. For an instant Robert’s heart feels like it stops because Aaron’s got that same look that he had that day in the car, _when he was drowning._ He’s got it now, he’s drowning and he doesn’t know which way is up. Only this time, Robert’s not sure he can save him because he’s just as lost.

Robert stands then, closing the gap between them, pulling Aaron in for a tight embrace. They stand there for who knows how long and to be honest Robert doesn’t care. He needs this moment, to just gather himself. To breath in Aaron’s scent, to hear the steady beat of his heart; the calm before the storm.

He pulls away then, but not quite letting go, keeping hold of Aarons hand, and pulling him back towards the couch. They sit, Robert gently stroking his thumb over the uninjured parts of Aaron’s hand. He needs this touch, this grounding, if he’s going to get out everything he wants to say. He can’t bottle out of it, not this time. The stakes are too high.

He takes a deep breath, can feel the tears starting to gather but he forces them back. He can cry later, they can cry together when everything is said and done.

“Okay, here goes. I love you so much, you know that, and I want nothing more than to make you happy.” He can see that Aaron is going to try and stop him, so he gives a slight shake of his head before continuing. “Please just let me say this, okay. I want to make you happy but I don’t know how to anymore. You have been so good for me, you’ve changed me in so many ways and all of them for the better. I told you that day, the crash that I just wanted to be myself now, with you and that’s it, sounds simple right. Except, this is me Aaron. I’m a flirt, I can’t help it. I’ve been flirting with people to get where I want to be for so long that it’s just a habit now, it’s ingrained in me. I don’t even know I’m doing it most of the time.

I know you’re hurting but I’m hurting too. You have no idea what it does to me to think that I’m not good enough for you. Because this is what it comes down too, in the end, I’m just not good enough. If I was the person you needed me to be then I wouldn’t flirt with other people, I wouldn’t give you cause to be jealous. I wouldn’t make you want to hurt yourself. But that’s just what I do, what I always do in the end. I screw up, one way or another, I’m always a disappointment, and no matter how hard I try I always end up hurting the people I love.

I’ve tried so hard Aaron, to change for you. I honestly don’t know how much more there is of the old me left too change, but you know I would if it meant that you loved me just that little bit more. If I thought it would fic this I would change everything, but somehow, I can’t get it out of my head that no matter what happens, I’m always going to be a disappointment to you.”

He lets out a long, slow calming breath before searching Aaron’s face for a reaction. He’s not sure what he wants to find there, or what he expects to see, but it’s certainly not the huge smile that greets him.

Aaron smirks back at him, with tears in his eyes, before leaning forward, pulling his hand free of Robert’s and placing a tender kiss on his lips. Robert doesn’t want to move, to burst this bubble but they can’t sit here all night. Robert is the first to pull away and Aaron gives him a frown in response. He pouts a little then, and it takes all he has not to hit him again but before he can Aaron interrupts him.

“Robert Sugden, you are so soft, do you know that?”

It’s Robert’s turn to frown now, this is certainly not the reaction he was waiting for.

Aaron grabs his hand now, pulling it close and cupping it in both of his.

“I am so sorry if I have ever made you feel like you’re not good enough for me. You are the most amazing human being I have ever met and I love you so much. I honestly don’t know how I would have got through the last year without you. We’ve been through hell together and we’ve come out the other side, so this, whatever this is,” he gestures between them, “we can get through this together.

The thing is I’m not okay. Sometimes my own emotions can be so much to deal with that I’m just blinded to the people around me. But I don’t want to be like that Robert, I want us to be able to talk to each other, and to help each other through the tough times.

I’ve got the same fears you know. I ask myself practically every day how someone like you could love someone like me? How could I possibly be good enough for you? That’s why I get so jealous, I know you’re a flirt, and that’s one of the things that I love about you. I also know that when you’re with Rebecca you are just being mates, the rational part of my brain knows that there’s nothing going on there, and that you would never cheat on me, but there’s just this little voice that I can’t get rid of telling me that I’m delusional.

How could anyone ever love me? I’m damaged goods after all.” Aaron took a steadying breath, deliberately looking away from Robert now as the tears threatened to fall. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to get through this if he didn’t look away, he couldn’t bear to see the pain reflected back at him in Robert’s eyes.

“It doesn’t matter how much you tell me, or anyone else for that matter, I just can’t believe that I would ever be enough for you. I hate myself, so therefore everyone else must feel the same way. No one can love someone that doesn’t love themselves, that’s just the way it works.”

“Hey no, that’s where you’re wrong.” Robert couldn’t help but interrupt this time. “You couldn’t be more wrong.” Robert worked his hands free from Aaron’s grasp, before placing one on Aaron’s chin, gently tilting his head back up from staring at his lap to look him in the eye.

“I’m sorry I know I shouldn’t interrupt you but you’re so wrong there Aaron that I can’t… The fact that you don’t love yourself right now just means that I and the rest of the people around you have to love you just that little bit more, not less. Because if you can’t see it for yourself then I promise you I will make it my mission to show you, even if it takes me a lifetime.”

“I can think of worse things than spending a lifetime with you. Just promise me one thing.”

“Anything.” Robert smirked back, eyes focused now on Aaron’s lips,

“Promise me that whilst you’re spending your lifetime showing me how loved I am, that you’ll let me spend my lifetime showing you that you’re anything but a disappointment.

Robert leaned in further now, hands, moving down towards Aaron’s shoulders, his eyes flickering from Aaron’s mouth, up to his eyes and back again. He couldn’t hide his longing for him any longer.

“Deal.” Aaron found himself closing the gap between them, his lips finding Robert’s. Before he knew it, they were making their way upstairs, the events of the past few days not forgotten just made clearer. He felt for the first time, in a long time that things were going to be okay. That they would get through this; together.

**Author's Note:**

> join me on tumblr @beyondthebridge


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